FA-LA-LA UPDATED 12/19/12


It’s the most wonderful time of the year! So get ready and hop on the sleigh as the bells on Bob-tails ring, making spirits bright. Heck, we may even sing a sleighing song tonight. All I know is that we’ll be laughing all the way!

What do celebs want for Christmas?

  • Honey Boo Boo’s Mom wishes for an Applebee’s Appetizer Sampler
  • Zooey Deschanel wishes for 1953
  • Kristin Stewart wishes for facial expressions
  • Princess Leia, now that she’s been bought by Disney, wishes to be included in the “Disney Princess” line-up.
  • Justin Bieber wishes people would take him seriously
  • Simon Cowell wishes THERE WOULD BE SOME TALENT AND NOT SOMEBODY WHO SOUNDS LIKE CATS BEING THROWN OFF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING
  • Taylor Swift wishes for a cake made out of rainbows and that we can all get along like we did in middle school.
  • Lebron James wishes that Christmas would be called Lebronmas and take up all of december
  • Kanye West wishes for a cloning machine.
  • Miley Cyrus wishes people would stop hating on her haircut

December 14, 2012

Dearest Dave,

I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful surprise! Thank you so much dear! I’m very delighted and pleased!

With my deepest love,

Agnes

December 15, 2012

Dearest Dave,

Today the postman brought me yet another of your sweet gifts. The two turtle doves that arrived today are adorable, and I’m delighted by your thoughtful and generous ways.

With all of my love,
Your Agnes

December 16, 2012

Dearest Dave,

You’ve truly been too kind! I must protest; I don’t deserve such generosity. The thought of getting three French hens amazes me. Yet, I am not surprised–what more should I expect from such a nice person.

Love,
Agnes

December 17, 2012

Dear Dave,

Four calling birds arrived in the mail today. They are truly nice but don’t you think that enough is enough? You are being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes

December 18, 2012

Dearest darling Dave,

It was a surprise to get five golden rings! I now have one for every finger. You truly are impossible darling, yet oh how I love it! Quite frankly, all of those squawking birds from the previous days were starting to get on my nerves. Yet, you managed to come through with a beautiful valuable gift!

All my love,
Agnes

December 19, 2012

Dear Dave,

When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and I am unable to sleep with all the racket. Please stop dear.

Cordially,
Agnes

December 20, 2012

Dave,

What is with you and those stupid birds!? Seven swans a-swimming!! What kind of sick joke is this!!?? There are bird droppings everywhere! They never shut up, and I don’t get any sleep!!! I’m a nervous wreck! It’s not funny you weirdo, so stop with the birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes

December 21, 2012

O.K. wise guy,

The birds were bad enough. Now what do you expect me to do with eight maids a-milking? If that’s not bad enough, they had to bring their cows!! The front lawn was completely ruined by them, and I can’t move in my own house! Just lay off me or you’ll be sorry!

Agnes

December 22, 2012

Hey loser,

What are you? You must be some kind of maniac!! Now there are nine pipers playing, and they certainly do play! They haven’t stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The cows are getting upset, and they’re stepping all over those screeching birds. The neighbors are getting up a petition to evict me, and I’m going out of my mind!

You’ll get yours!
Agnes

December 23, 2012

You JERK!!!!!!

There are now ten ladies dancing! There is only one problem with that! They’re dancing twenty-four hours a day all around me with the pipers upsetting the cows and the maids. The cows can’t sleep, and they are going to the bathroom everywhere! The building commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause as to why the house shouldn’t be condemned! I can’t even think of a reason! You creep! I’m sicking the police on you!

One who means it!

December 24, 2012

Listen you moron!

What’s with the eleven lords-a-leaping?!? They are leaping across the rooms breaking everything and even injuring some of the maids! The place smells, is an absolute mad house, and is about to be condemned! At least the birds are quiet; they were trampled to death by the cows. I hope you are satisfied–you rotten vicious worthless piece of garbage!

Your sworn enemy,
Agnes

December 25, 2012

The Law Offices of
Badger, Rees, and Yorker
20 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois

Dear sir,

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers-fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes Mcholstein. The destruction of course was total. If you attempt to reach Ms. Mcholstein at Happy Daze Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on site.

Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,
Badger, Rees, and Yorker

The first day after Christmas

My true love and I had a fight

And so I chopped the pear tree down
And burnt it, just for spite

Then with a single cartridge
I shot that blasted partridge

My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

The second day after Christmas
I pulled on the old rubber gloves
And very gently wrung the necks
Of both the turtle doves

My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

On the third day after Christmas
My mother caught the croup
I had to use the three French hens
To make some chicken soup

The four calling birds were a big mistake For their language was obscene
The five golden rings were completely fake and turned my fingers green.

The sixth day after Christmas
The six laying geese wouldn’t lay
So I sent the whole darn gaggle to the
A.S.P.C.A.

My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

On the seventh day, what a mess I found The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned.

The eighth day after Christmas
Before they could suspect
I bundled up the
Eight maids-a-milking
Nine ladies dancing
Ten lords-a-leaping
Eleven pipers piping
Twelve drummers drumming
And sent them back collect

I wrote my true love
“We are through, love!”
And I said in so many words
“Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the Birds!”

Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree!
Doorbell rings, I’m not list’nin’,
From my mouth, drool is glist’nin’,
I’m happy — although
My boss let me go —
Happily addicted to the Web.
All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There’s beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web!

Snowman
Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, “Yo, man!
Don’t you know tonight’s the senior prom?”
With a listless shrug, I mutter “No, man;
I just discovered laugh-a-lot-dot-com!”
I don’t phone, don’t send faxes,
Don’t go out, don’t pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I’m happily addicted to the Web!

Happ-ilyyyyy, ad-dict-eeeed to the Weeeeeb!!! (Yeah!)

I’ll be Cloned for Christmas,
there’ll be three of me;
One to Work, and One to Shop,
and One just for Parties.
Christmas Eve, I’m certain,
I won’t be alone;
I’ll be home for Christmas,
or else I’ll send a Clone!

The restroom door said Gentlemen
So I just walked inside
I took two steps and realized
I’d been taken for a ride
I heard high voices turned and found
The place was occupied
By two nuns, three old ladies, and a nurse
What could be worse?
Than two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse.

The restroom door said Gentlemen
It must have been a gag
As soon as I walked in there I ran into some old hag
She sprayed me with a can of mace
And snapped me with her bag.
I could tell this just wouldn’t be my day
What can I say?
It just wasn’t turning out to be my day.

The restroom door said Gentlemen
And I would like to find
The crummy little creep who had the nerve to switch the sign
Cause I’ve got two black eyes
And one high heel up my behind
Now I can’t sit with comfort and joy
Boy, oh, boy
No, I’ll never sit with comfort and joy.

What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder!

Where do snowmen go to dance?
Snowballs!

It’s great to have Christmas spirit. But when is holiday cheer too much holiday cheer?

  • You strike a match and light your nose.
  • You tell everyone you have to go home… and the party’s at your place.
  • You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
  • You sing about the national budget.
  • You build a snowman in hopes it will come alive

On the first day of Christmas,
my drive through gave to me:
a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the second day of Christmas,
my drive through gave to me:
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the third day of Christmas,
my drive through gave to me:
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the fourth day of Christmas,
my drive through gave to me:
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the fifth day of Christmas,
my drive through gave to me:
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the sixth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the seventh day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the eighth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the ninth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the tenth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the eleventh day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Eleven pounds of blubber,
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Twelve bags of Pepto,
Eleven pounds of blubber,
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

Christmas Elf

Wreck the Malls this Christmas Seasons
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la;
Blow your cash for no good reason
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la;
Push your charge card to the limit;
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la;
Your checkbook now has nothing in it.
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.

Wreck the Malls with my friend Charlie;
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la;
Drive to K-Mart on his Harley;
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la;
Tamper with their Muzak System
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la;
If security comes then resist 'em
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.

Wreck the Pet Store do some damage;
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la;
Send the beagles on a rampage;
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la;
Acting in a naughty manner;
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Then sit on the the lap of Santa;
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.

Oh, the network outside is frightful,
But on campus, it's so delightful,
Our packets have nowhere to go,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

It doesn't show signs of stopping,
All our packets, our hosts are dropping;
Bandwidth is turned way down low,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

When we finally connect to a site,
It's time to go back to the dorm;
But if I could stay here all night,
I could submit their Web form.

The network is slowly dying,
And, I fear, we're still denying,
But as long as Internet Explorer is the way to go,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

None of these thought of by me!

 God bless us, every one!

One thought on “FA-LA-LA UPDATED 12/19/12

  1. Pingback: NEW PAGE! « MERRY CHRISTMAS!

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