Things You Don’t Wanna Hear At An Amusement Park

  • You must have this much medical insurance to ride.
  • To fasten your seat belts, insert..oh look at that, you’re already moving! Enjoy your day at Super Fun Adventure Action Movie TV World!
  • Here at Super Fun Adventure Action Movie TV World, we make sure our rides are operated the best and that the operators know what they are doing. That’s why we hired all of the NFL replacement refs!
  • This ride has shut down.
  • Here comes the loop de loop…oh wait why is there a loop de loop? This is the bumper cars…
  • Well that’s not how the ride’s supposed to move.

Things You Don’t Wanna Hear At The Tattoo Parlor

  • We’re all out of red so I used pink.
  • You almost can’t tell I’ve never done this before.
  • I’m having a bad case of the shakes today.
  • Did I mention I failed art class in school?
  • Oh, don’t worry! I can fix that…I think.
  • Eagle? I thought you said beagle.
  • Whoops!
  • Well that’s never happened before!
  • This blood could help us on our low supply of red ink!
  • There’s 2 O’s in Bob right?

Things You Don’t Wanna Hear During Your Visit To The Dentist’s

  • “Just a warning, I’ll probably end up cutting your lip or tongue.”
  • “I hope you have a good dental plan.”
  • “Wow, look at all that blood.”
  • “Give me a second while I figure out how to stop the bleeding.”
  • “Ooops!”
  • “I’ve finished watching the ‘How To’ video. Shall we begin the root canal treatment?”
  • “I hope your Tooth Fairy has a second job.”
  • “How does it feel to be my first patient since I was reinstated?”
  •  “The dentist will see you now!”

Things You Don’t Wanna Hear During An Airplane Ride

  • On an ocean crossing flight: “This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices…”
  • “Hey folks, we’re going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.”
  •  “We’ve now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and …darn it!
  • “Our sudden loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it’s all part of our airlines new commitment to make your flight a sight seeing expedition.”
  • As the plane turns around right after takeoff: “… uhhhhh … We have to go back. … We… We… uhhhhhh …forgot something…”
  • “Aww, I can’t figure out how to turn this thing off and don’t worry, that gauge is always on ‘E’.”
  • “Ummmmmm … Sorry everybody …” (silence)

Things You Don’t Wanna Hear During Thanksgiving

  • Honey where’s the fire extinguisher?
  • All we have is decaf.
  • I didn’t have enough Pumpkin Pie filling so I mixed in some ground-up jalapenos….
  • Still need that fire extinguisher.
  • Hey kids, I read that the Pilgrims probably didn’t even have turkey on the first Thanksgiving so we’re having something authentic – woodchuck!
  • Dad, there are some people at the front door dressed up like pilgrims and Indians and they want to sing to you…
  • Can we please open some windows so the smoke alarm will shut off?
  • And thank you for this food, and thank you that I lost my job yesterday – oh honey, sorry but I forgot to mention that to you…
  • Billy’s fine. He hasn’t thrown up in hours.
  • It’s never too early for carols. Let’s sing!
  • Try it! It tastes as good as the real thing but it’s much healthier!
  • I think this turkey will be okay once I wipe the fire extinguisher foam off…
  • Here’s a poem I wrote about thankfulness.
  • We’re lactose-intolerant vegetarians!